"The kind of beauty I want is the hard-to-get kind that
comes from within - strength, courage, dignity." - Ruby Dee
I went to Findlay Market yesterday morning with my parents. Findlay Market is sort of like a giant farmer's market, both outdoors and indoors. Local vendors come to sell their products - home grown fruits and vegetables, handmade soaps, ice cream, gelato, fruit pops, clothing, bread, meats, salads and even gyros - you name it, and you can probably find it there. I love going there at least once a summer, and since my summer ends next week, we decided to make the trip yesterday.
We got quite a few large, beautiful, heirloom tomatoes. So yummy! I love heirlooms more than any other kind of tomato, but they are just SO expensive. I think my favorite so far has been the Purple Cherokee. It's such a pretty dark purple color and is really sweet and delicious. It makes a great tomato sandwich (which I'm eating now, by the way!)
I also grabbed some lunch at this little vegan friendly Vietnamese place (name of which escapes me.) I had two summer rolls with a peanut-hoisin dipping sauce and a salad served in an edible bowl made from black sesame seeds and rice. I thought they were both okay, nothing special. There was an overwhelming flavor of celery and some Asian herb I can't really describe - but it's not something I love, that's for sure!
My post today is a more serious one.
This morning I woke up to an unexpected text message which made me feel, well, kind of crappy. I won't get into the specifics about it. But it was all I could focus on all morning and all day. I got really emotional and stressed out and spent the day wiping tears away from the corner of my eye. Then my stomach started hurting and I felt like throwing up.
Which, thankfully, I didn't do.
I was supposed to work at three today, but I called in sick because I definitely would not have been able to make it through a seven hour shift while feeling really sick and still pretty emotional. Instead, I ate some veggies and hummus and went out with my parents. I trudged along all day, car rides making me feel queasy. Then I started feeling dizzy.
We got home, and I felt a bit better. I flipped through the Sunday ads, saw a Target ad for a $15 small pink vacuum cleaner (which I needed for my room this fall!), and my mom drove me over to buy one before they all were sold out (I also got a large thing of hand soap, some face wash, and Fruit Roll-Ups that are healthy for you!! WIN.).
Now I'm sitting in my room with a pounding headache as I type this little blog up for you guys. I've just been thinking a lot this whole day, really wondering how to get through the hard times in life.
Sounds pretty depressing, right?
I'm not trying to be. I'm just a very naturally happy person, so when things suck for me, I take it pretty hard and get pretty emotional about it.
As much as I like to think I'm a liberal, I've become pretty conservative recently. I've been struggling a lot with grasping what I believe and what I stand for, and standing up for those things when put to the test. I feel like today has been a small test for me from God. How will I react to the situation at hand? Will I break down or hold my own?
Besides the little conflict I had earlier today, I've been struggling a lot with how I feel about myself physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I'm not fat, but I definitely don't see myself as skinny. I struggle everyday because I think to myself "I shouldn't be eating this much food," when in reality, I'm eating things that are really healthy for me like fruits and vegetables and grains. Of course, I eat anyways, because a) I love food and b) I could NEVER starve myself. That's a stupid move and will just end in lots of harm for myself and my family and everyone involved. It's just a battle I have with myself every day.
I also struggle with my emotions. Normally, I'm a pretty chill and go-with-the-flow type of person, but I can be VERY headstrong. I hate being wrong. I HATE being wrong. So when people challenge something I say, I get very defensive. But I'm trying to work on that, too. I'm also trying to dig deeper into my faith, and with that comes a lot of difficult times. It's hard to reconcile what I want to do in life with what the Bible says I should be doing with my life. It's hard when I just don't want to. It's hard that God has so many expectations of me. It's hard, but it's necessary, and I'm learning to overcome challenges and go in the right direction.
Basically, the point of my post is this: we are all BEAUTIFUL people. We all want beauty that is something more than just what's on the outside. We want to be noticed for our character, our morals, what we believe and stand up for on a daily basis. We think too lowly of ourselves when really we should be thinking that we are amazing people who rock!!! It's just that society has put out this image of the perfect person in the media: skinny, tan, had plastic surgery, popular. Things that we can't live up to. But you SHOULDN'T live up to that standard. You are perfect the way you are. Make the sun shine out your rear end.
I know it's hard to do. I struggle with that too. All the time! It's hard for me to think that way when I look in the mirror in each day. But you know what? For every negative thought I think of myself, I try to think a positive one right after. And it usually helps.
I wrote this because, in the comments of MY GIVEAWAY (which you should enter!), readers have been saying they want to see some more personal stories. Well, here you go! Personal AND super serious. How's that?! :)
Love who you are. We all have our faults. But we cannot change who we are. So smile, look in the mirror, and say, "I am an amazing and beautiful person." Then go treat yourself to a piece of dark chocolate :)